The View from my new office

Through a dirty window

Monday roll

so tomorrow starts it.
gonna be a rough week but we have friday in antwerp.
so.
some ketchup, tobasco, worscestershire sauce (had to look at the bottle to spell that right) and some other stuff...tastes like?

crack.

why do i know that?

i just do. and i do think that this makes me a better person.

i want to live in a world where people say excuse me and look before the go out into traffic. not too hard you would think.

So I have worked really hard and have finished a new EP: you can listen here and here .

If you would like a copy 320mp3 email me at the puursap AT gmail.

Thanks!

going underground. will not be using computers past 7pm for the rest of this month (possibly year).

been a bit of time since i turned on the white side of my mind. no this isnt a race issue but a color one.
it is getting darker. the days are turning to night faster and with more bitterness. the rain outside is pissing for lack of a better word.

the world is falling apart. rightly so.
we need a new start. we need to break it down to rebuild it.

it is definitely very hard to keep a positive outlook on life when you are dragged by your soul into the mess that is america. need to break from it finally. i cant watch a train wreck in slow motion any more. cant do it.

in the mean time i am working on tunes and attempting to stock up on stuff to weather the recession...

yep!

i love the look on people's faces when i show them adblock for the first time. i feel trapped and threatened when i use someone else's computer and they do not have adblock installed. i no longer have a television. i refuse to listen to the radio. i live happily protected by my Mozilla as i search and discover information at my own pace.

sadly this is a two way street. i feel disconnected to those outside my window now. the ones smoking a joint listening to some song on their mobile phone. so i walk through the day assuming a high sense of self preservation...protecting myself from all that is outside my sense of smell.

Being broke.
Not broken is the key to remember.
Someone said sometime and I heard it sometime that being poor sets you free.
I strongly doubt that when viewed straight on. Sort of like seeing a truck the last seconds before the bumper separates your knee and removes the bottom half of your leg, that's what poor initially appears to be.
But.
Then.
As long as food is taken care of and a small covering for the rain is available I guess it would be human to say you are free from the bounds of a job or a house...
I don't see it.
I have no wants.
I want nothing. I have every-"thing" that I could want.
I just wanted to have some extra in case one of the cats gets sick...
That's human.

installing an update that could fuck everything up.
but that is to be expected. can always roll back.
how does it end up?
like this. awake later than normal.
creating something from nothing.
hope for a break and a new morning without a headache and a sore neck.

shadows.

i had a dream.
i owned a cafe.
7 generations before me had owned the cafe.
hopefully 3 would after me.
we served cake from a crystal cabinet that sat outside of the dusty sunlight that came through heavily painted windows. the fans turned, moving, moving smells of teas and coffee and the occasional cough through the screened in door that braced against the sand from the desert outside.
languages were spoken. french, arabic, hebrew, yiddish, german, spanish and danish. then i heard english.
then i heard american.
then i knew that the beauty would melt into the walls from a thermal blast.
they came and drank.
they had their coffee and left a small sack behind.
i screamed, then the blast was all...
no longer were the languages ever to speak together in my cafe.
forever we heard the cries of children in the gutters while smiles wide, glittered teeth hid behind a paper that no longer holds meaning.
our fat burned in the shreds of our clothes.
the crowd cheered. they pushed buttons on a screen.
we believed them.

Circle

had the most amazing dreams ever.
who said drugs were not cool after all.

Audience of One

about, god i really cannot remember when it actually happened. when did i get the text message. how many years has it been? has summer always been early and on time on queue with my depression and breakdowns. do i feel something different because of heat or am i any special thing that makes sense to anyone or can i end this sentence?

so dad died this week a few years back. did not even realize it until i had a hammer about a half inch inside the bowels of a korg keyboard...looking for something else to destroy i looked at the guitar. never will ever lose that thing.

breakdowns bring interesting times.

i am tired.
nothing new there.
yet. making really huge strides with music lately.
gonna get where i need to be when i need to be there i guess.
money is tight. really tight.
queens day around the corner.
thank god the cafe is closed.
my body feels light again.
feet hurt under the strain of work but then again the kids were here and they gave me a good day at the animal prison...but i got an artis partis thingy which just rules.
off to bed.
change-up of the d-zrugggles and a new sleep sensation.

well now. wasnt that fun?

Twisting Away

two full days in bed. a good 40 hours sleep brought on by a not so late night on saturday. i guess you could say that i was wrecked by the last few weeks of work and stress. goodness. tuesday at 1 and i have been awake only about 40 minutes.

when i twist like this in my bed my brain does funny things to me. i live halfway between here and there, in a type of middle-class dream/nightmare with large expanses of cheap motels and rubbery chicken.

i can smell the humid air when i open the door a crack to tell the cleaning lady that i will not be needing the place made up today. i smell the half smoked cigarette on the painted concrete outside my window...through the glass.

it has been a very long time since something like this has happened to me. i have been following the straight and narrow as much as i could really. it has been an amazing thing to quit smoking and stick with it. it is also safe to say that i am like this today because of work. really stressing me out, this long dull project that in the end is pretty damned cool but i dont see it that way anymore. honest.

brother in town soon.

Drop in the Health?

so every fucking time i try to do something good for my body, this case stop smoking
i get sick.
i go to the gym i have insane insomnia and i get sick.
i stop drinking (i only drink 2 times a week max now) and i stress out and cant sleep and i get sick.
if i go for a run, i hurt my kness, i cant sleep and i get sick.

funny how that is.

Death and Age

we are getting to that time when people die.
a friend from work- her god mother
some friends are sick here and there.
i guess at 35 going on 36 this stuff starts to happen.
it is the natural path of existence.
our family has been very lucky (if you dont count my dad and step dad).
i have a feeling that we are like twinkies, no end in site.
this is a good thing.
we can overcome our personal differences before we have regrets.
start. push play. this is your life.

Storms?

so there is this huge storm outside.
i am going to get on the vespa and go for a ride.
yeah i am all brave like that.
well just far enough to the taco shop to have a burrito and celebrate the fact that i have medication for tonight to sleep.
this makes me happy.
weird that this makes me so happy but then i am no sleeping.
broken record get over it.
will do right this damned second.
drop is better than smoking.
looks like my general practitioner has lung cancer
call that a omen.

Pizza in the Oven; Replacement Ipod Thingy

thinly slice the onions i said.
so i sliced them as thin as a serrated edge would.
meow kitty said.
brrrrrppppphhhmmmmuuuwwww winston belched.
my stomach is full of tomato juice i said.
put olive oil on the pizza i said.
logic is not very logical they said.
and they were right.
gonna cut up some guitars with cubase i did.

Some thoughts on a Monday

easily it is one of those moments when you kind of have to pinch yourself and actually smile.
yeah.
walking to get some chocolate and you have to realize that you are in one of the most beautiful cities in the fucking universe and you live here.

yeah. i live where the sun does not shine a whole lot but the warmth and the safety is like no other place in the world.

seriously.
it is nice to feel free, safe and responsible for my future.
nice to call this place home.

Tiger. CD's and Some Other Stuff

got the cd's from tiger in japan.
the noboru watanabe one. funny that he did not send me my own solo album

it sounds great though.
the art work is good and i am happy with it.

had good conversations or emails from mom.
sanity and understanding in old age and a few nasty 4 letter words to capture how the world is spinning out of control.
gotta sleep and get ready for work.
had a long week but the sound design team is going to have a lot of work.
i landed the dream job.

Moons and Suns and a Pink Sky

so weekend. girlfriend. drinks. various abuse and a small hangover on a monday morning...
not one from a drug or drink but one from heaviness of life.
chomping on some cheese at the office at 6 pm and wishing that i had another life-or another project that had some meaning other than a dot com.

what a shock it is to get a bill that you expected to be a mere 300 euros and it reads slowly to you as you are in the lift
714 euros- 21 days to collect.
interesting indeed.

no other noise is good noise.

today was interesting.
learn to just help someone a little more and explain the situation as patiently as possible and the reward is massive, more than you would ever imagine.
than and then. very similar words.
wonder really how it all happened.
so off to malta tomorrow night.
some say it is a shithole but i am not going to complain. Just want to take some photos. see something new and interesting.

Wednesday. My muscles are really hurting and I could not sleep again last night. Today was a vain attempt at being creative but I dont think it was all totally a waste. I did make a very nice spicy bean soup with all spice in it (secret sort of weird thing from Jamaica).

Think I am going to get a CD mastered by Ochre. I need to choose which songs I want to do. Should be nice to hear the clearness of it all again after my vain attempts of muddling it up in the middle and cutting frequencies.

Booked a ticket to Dublin for the weekend of the 29th to see the lads. Need some R&R outside of Holland. Need to get a Dutch passport as well.

Ok enough. Gonna try to start writing again.

Nice Little Thing Left by Hackers on the RIAA Site

mild Tourette syndrome
whenever i think of something painful from the past or something embarrassing i seem to blurt out 'i fucking hate all you people'
odd. i cannot control it.

noticed this a couple of years back. usually happens while in the shower or just doing stuff at home.

well that's all from me for sunday.

Stickers Seen Somewhere Near You

Bell Tower

been to the gym again today.
pretty amazed with myself to be quite, um, honest.
rough weekend. spent too much money on friday, got really drunk and rode home slowly on my aging bike and made it to bed at about 5am... yeah, tell me all about it.
almost have 2 more full albums completed. i guess i have about 5 full albums completed as to date. wonder is prolific would the the right word...
yep according to websters that is the right word.
excellent.
gonna pass the vaag today and bring my camera. i need to take some photos. i have been really lame as of late when it comes to photos.
should get off my ass and get them to dickie to put in his shop.
well we always have something!

Wall Seen While Drunk

sitting here creating stickers of my own.
some are nice, some are childish and some are just plain bad.
but is the world a public space for us to create our own dreams upon.
i dont know.
i really dont yet i know a person who believes that god created the world in 7 days and that a nice long historical piece of fiction is the true word of god.
interesting and scary at the same time but it does not make me run and hide but rather:
shake my head and go on with it all.
smile and remember nice times when i first listened to the album i am listening to...in a car, on a TDK SA90 cassette tape, through a walkman, on the way to berthoud pass.
thanks to my brother who lives in india now.
nice.
thank you.

Artis Cross

tomorrow i am going the gym.
alert the press.
still no meat has been eaten.
i have the korg drum machine running in the background, beating my head slowly to death in a nice and familiar way.
trying to book a holiday is always more stress than working...
thoughts on today:

We’d been through this already, all of us in the room, the blank desperation that comes only when you finally gave up and had to accept what has happened as a spectator and not a participant, like checking into a hotel and turning your head to find that six bus loads of Italian school children planned their retreat at the same place, same time.

so i started writing again.
wont go on about the subject but it really helps me get through each and every day.

think eggs on tortillas and a lot of cheap black coffee and you might be somewhere close to where i am in my mind right now.

there are bits and pieces of my life that i honestly have to say happened in strange and utterly amazing ways and most are almost certifiably unbelievable,
but they happened.

now to exaggerate and embellish and em-balls them..give em, you know 'huevos'.
gonna have a quiet one this weekend and i hope you do to.